A couple of years ago, Sophie found herself struggling with an episode of depression. She described it as an acute episode, arriveing in a fast and furious fashion, and like a flash storm with no shelter in sight, it swept her out to sea in one sudden, big wave. For a while, Sophie was submerged deep.
Despite the chaos of this scenario, Sophie was able to intuit that for whatever reason this mood had descended, its suddenness and its depth meant it would burn itself out sooner, rather than later. In other words, an acute episode of depression. Sophie believed if she could tread water for its duration, then eventually she would be washed back to shore, able to get on with her life.
The question then became how to manage the duration. How was Sophie to see out these weeks, or potentially months, in so much mental anguish? Depression, it goes without saying, hurts. Her very soul didn’t just ache, it rocked back and forth in agony. It cringed at the thought of getting out of bed and it recoiled at the prospect of seeing friends.
Sophie was already on an antidepressant for chronic pain so her options felt limited. She visited her doctor for a mental health assessment and a referral to a clinical psychologist. The soonest appointment was six weeks away — an eternity! What then, was Sophie to do with the minute by minute torture of it all?
One of the most significant symptoms Sophie was experiencing, was a lack of motivation. The very thought of getting on with her life made Sophie want to hide under the bed covers; the little tasks that make up a day overwhelmed her. Whereas before, Sophie took pleasure in work and running a house and family, now she didn’t know where to start.
Doing some online research, Sophie discovered dopamine as the brain chemical mostly responsible for motivation. She had long operated under the theory that the brain and body are a two-way street and so wondered: if low dopamine made it hard to act, then could forcing action raise her dopamine?The short answer was yes. Dopamine motivates by rewarding us for our achievements. Little hits of pleasure for getting something done, it turns out even making a decision to do something will give us that hit.
At first, writing a to-do list for just the basics of getting through a day — leaving bed, having a shower, getting dressed, buying groceries — overwhelmed and tortured Sophie with the spectre of failure. Mere contemplation of the list hurt in an almost physical way. But Sophie forged ahead regardless. One by one she got the tasks done, crossing off the list as she went. There was something about crossing off that list that felt good, Sophie notedand at the end of the day these were achievements. After all, she’d wanted to stay in bed, but somewhere along the line had managed the motivation to shower and get dressed and that felt better than if she hadn’t.
Sophie’s curiosity for this process set in and she began to see it as an experiment. What if she were to put a particularly intimidating task on the list, such as tackling a big pile of laundry? Sophie took mental note of how she felt about that, (overwhelmed, anxious, inadequate), and did it anyway. At first every cell in her body resisted, predicting sure failure. But as Sophie made her way through the task, teeth grit, the resistance eased until the job was done and she got her reward, a surge of dopamine. With that surge came feelings of accomplishment, pride and the possibility of re-engagement with the world.
Of course, it took more than just a hair wash and folding laundry to lift Sophie’s depression. But after three weeks of chasing the dopamine rush Sophie felt a lot better and was gaining the confidence to reconnect with friends. The feelings of hopelessness were retreating and a sense of control returning. Eventually the pay-off was being achieved with far less pain and a normal mindset began to return.
Back to a healthy frame of mind these days, Sophie is still really aware of how ‘getting stuff done’ feels good. Long a fan of the to-do list, for its power to keep her organised and on track, Sophie used this practice, alongside knowledge of how dopamine works, to kickstart her recovery.
Depression is a complex illness with many causes and many treatments, but if you’re struggling at all don’t underestimate the power of just putting one foot ahead of the other…or even just making a decision in that direction.
Jo Murphy
Jo Murphy is a qualified writer, editor and practising visual artist, who exhibits in solo and group exhibitions.
She is a once-upon-a-time economist, who continues to enthusiastically engage with economics and politics, and finds these matters inseparable from how the average person lives their daily life.
Jo is, in fact, endlessly curious about other people's lives, specifically the nitty gritty of the challenges life has thrown at them. How someone found their way out of the dark, and then how they used that experience to go on and flourish, is Jo’s creative grist; stories of emotional growth just never get tired for her.
Jo is a mother to two, almost grown up, children and one youngish Whippet. If she had an instagram account it would most likely be devoted to the Whippet or her fabulous succulent garden.
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